Not for those of a sensitive constitution...

[susie_flo]

I suspect the last one of these will either make you laugh like a drain or scream in fear...

To what do I refer? Let me just say, in my best Greg Wallace voice... "KNITTING does NOT get scarer than THIS!"   ms_siobhan has outdone herself by finding this batch...   (in truth they're not all scary, so I've listed them in ascending order of humour + fear factor...)



1. First of all, something sweet and inoffensive.  (This is how I like to dress when I am oil painting...)





2.  Next up... something for all the family.  But it begs the question...
Will they really "love you for it"?  I mean, Really?





3.  Thirdly....  a debonair gent!  In a yellow jumper!  Smoking!
Contain yourselves, ladies...






4.  Ok, now we're just beginning to edge into creepy territory.   What a tank-top collection!  Is he 8 years old... or 80?  He looks like he wants to talk about tax efficiency.  If  I had a kid who looked at me like this, would I be alone in packing him off to the adoption agency promto?  






5.  Ok, now that you're fully relaxed and comfortable....  it's time to bring out the homoerotic schoolboys!  (Mmmm, strokey knee...)





6.  And finally... the bit you've all been waiting for.  This I can only describe as the most terrifying knitting pattern ever conceived by man...  christened by Siobhan and Mr Pops as "Knitting for Kiddie Fiddlers!"  

(Once you get over the initial eye burn, please take time to notice the finer details...  like the man's entirely hairless body...  and the handy camera for 'naturalistic snapshots'!  And mmmm at the itch factor of those high-waisted, pure wool trunks...)





Ok I hope you enjoyed that load of old nonsense.  Don't have nightmares...

Comments

[gylfinir.livejournal.com]

*Need eye and brain bleach*

[the-meanest-cat.livejournal.com]

And knitting needle bleach!

[kissmeforlonger.livejournal.com]

They are high waisted so they can't be indecent :-O

...but wool sags and stretches in the water so they wouldn't exactly be reliable either!

[the-meanest-cat.livejournal.com]

...and after a bit of underwater agitation they will felt into a super-tight, thick, itchy second skin.

[kissmeforlonger.livejournal.com]

I hear it's a good way to make felt...

I saw a sight today that would have gladdened your heart. In a (very good) vintage shop in Nottingham, an entire circular rail full of chunky jumpers, a whole quarter of them Arran. Have rarely wished so much for a camera.

[moral-vacuum.livejournal.com]

1) The Stepford Twinsets.

2) The men appear to be wearing coats of moss. The children are, I think, stuffed. And I am disturbed by the strangely disporportionate arm attached to the girl.

3) My dad had a jumper just like that, so actually I find that image oddly comforting.

4) Christ, it's village of the very, very damned. Also the kid looks like a proto bond villian. Either that or he's about to burst into a treble rendition of "Tomorrow belongs to me".

5) Gaaah! It's sort of like twink ventriloquism. I'm pretty sure the one on the right is actually 43 years old.

6) This is....special. Firstly I never realised that Danny Kaye posed for kiddie porn. The one on the left is the current Home Secretary Alan Johnson in his "anything for a meat pie annd bus fare home" years. But he shorts themselves...scare mel, Espceially as both of them seem to have extraordinarily strange, misshapen genitalia. But please, PLEASE can someone knit this pattern as I would be very happy to know that such things exist in the world. But for the love of Christ don't actually make me look at them.

[the-meanest-cat.livejournal.com]

Lol at twink ventriloquism! That gave me a good chuckle... and I pretty much agree with all of your assessments,

Am now song-virused with Tomorrow Belongs to Me... (not a good thing to wander around humming when you hapen to be blonde and blue-eyed)

[ms-siobhan.livejournal.com]

And people have had the cheek to say knitting is boring *grin*

I think you're right though, I have excelled myself with these gems/objects of fear and loathing and I am scared at the thought that I may not be able to find such gems/objects of fear again...or even more terrifyingly find something even worse than the last one.